Category: Non-Sports

Why Am I Still Awake At 3:13am?

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 04/07/2010 – 12:07pm
Filed under: Feature, Non-Sports  

Most of you that have read my columns sort of understand how my sports watching schedule goes.  For those of you who don’t, here is a taste.  This is how it works 99.998% of the time.

In the early evening, I am usually watching normal prime time shows like American Idol.  This is because I have a wonderful fiancée that I would like to actually marry me. The last thing I need to do in this situation is subject her to the torture that is watching the Wild or the Royals.  Then when she goes to bed, I watch the game that I recorded earlier in the evening. This allows me to sit on the couch in silence as my dreams of actually having a team I like win a championship (or even make the playoffs) are dashed time and time again. 

But this routine presents a problem.  It conditions me to a schedule of staying up late every single night.  As you know, there is not a game every single night.  So, on those nights, I usually end up just watching TV.  But there is a bigger problem.  Inevitably, I find a movie on TV that is just starting at midnight or later.  These movies are the kind that I cannot turn off.  Bellweather and I touched on this in a conversation during KU’s weekend here in St. Louis for the Regional Finals (SHIT!!!!!).  He agreed that there were some movies that just cannot be turned off no matter what time it is.  Here is a complete analysis of these movies for me.  Besides, there was no Royals/Wild game last night, and I am pretty sure Bellweather covered the season opener for the Royals…

Movies that I must watch no matter what freaking time it is…

10. Fletch – I was sitting at a bar last night with a couple of friends.  My buddy Brett ordered a steak sandwich.  The only appropriate response to that order is to say, “I’ll have a bloody Mary, a steak sandwich, and a…steak sandwich, please.”  If you don’t know what I am talking about, then you have not seen Fletch, and you should be ashamed.  Stop reading this, go to Netflix, and queue it right now.  It may be one of the most quotable movies ever behind only nos. 4 and 1 on this list.  It is also the only “good” movie starring Chevy Chase other than no. 4.  “What kind of a name is Poon, anyway?”  “Camanche Indian.”

9. Harry Potter Movies (any after the first two) – Look, I know what you’re thinking.   I have answers to both of your questions.  1. My fiancée is a woman.  2. I am not required to register with any government agency when I move.  Bottom line is that these movies are awesome.  The effects are great, and the story line is compelling (while completely predictable).  The first two stink because they spend way too much time establishing the story line, and introducing a villain who doesn’t actually come back for a few more movies.  But the last four have been exceptional.  Get past yourself, and watch them.  You’ll be hooked. 

8. Starship Troopers – I have no idea what I am so addicted to this movie.  It is so over the top bad that you almost have to think that they made it that way intentionally.  The cast reads like a list of castoff 90210 extras…Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris…I can go on.  But the effects are awesome, the plot is cool, and you get to see Van Dien overacting the line “Come on you apes!  You wanna live forever?!?!”  Awesome. 

7. Die Hard – This goes for the original AND the “With a Vengeance” version.  You are not a real guy if you are able to switch channels during either of these movies.  John McClain is a badass.   Yippe-ki-yay… End of story.

6. Days of Thunder – NASCAR sucks.  That is, unless Maverick is racing a car for a team owned by Cousin Eddie, and managed by Vito’s Consiglieri.  And that’s exactly what we have here.  Standard 80’s Tom Cruise movie plot; Hero is awesome, has something bad happen to him, loses his confidence, has a supportive chick, and wins in the end.  Sounds remarkably similar to…

5. Top Gun – You know I love this movie.  I own it on DVD, and yet I have a version of it recorded on my DVR so that I don’t have to get up from the couch and put the DVD in.  Severely quotable, Top Gun may be the greatest action movie of all time.  There, I said it.

4. Caddyshack – THE MOST QUOTABLE MOVIE EVER.  But here is the kicker; don’t quote Caddyshack unless you know the line front and back.  I hate when people butcher Caddyshack lines.  If you say something like, “So I was caddying for the Dali Llama…” in my presence, you can expect to be corrected at a minimum, but more likely slapped silly. The scene where Ty and Danny are discussing Danny’s future may be the single greatest exchange in all of movie history. “What’s wrong with lumberyards??  I own three lumberyards.”  “I notice you don’t spend much time there.”  “I’m not sure where they are.”

3. Major League – The only instance in history where taking a movie that is full of swearing, and editing it for TV actually made the movie better.  The unintentional comedy of Dorn walking up to Vaughn in the ninth inning and saying, “I’ve only got one thing to say to you.  Strike this [GUY] out!!!” is priceless.  An evil owner puts together a roster of horrible players, hoping that they lose so badly that they have no attendance, and the team can move.  This is a story that all Royals fans should be able to relate to.  Except for the end, when they actually win.

2. Hoosiers – Do I even need to explain this one?  It’s the greatest sports movie ever made.  If you haven’t seen it, then leave this site and never return.  You know nothing about sports. 

1. A Few Good Men – This movie gets my vote for best overall movie of all time.  The story line is electric, the acting is great, and if you can’t quote at least 85% of Jessup’s “You can’t handle the truth” monologue, then I feel sorry for you.  I may or may not have used the line, “Thank you for playing ‘Should We or Should We Not Follow the Advice of the Galacticly Stupid’!” at work during a meeting.  See this movie, own this movie, don’t you dare turn this movie off…ever.

Honorable mention to PCU, Slap Shot, Armageddon, The Color of Money, Wall Street, Iron Eagle, Con Air, and Made.  If you have any that you think I missed, let me know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com.

So there you have it.  I should probably explore the “Major League/Royals Corollary”, but I’ll leave that for another day.  Until then, enjoy baseball, and whatever movie happens to come on after the game is over.

A Whole Lotta’ Nuthin’

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/26/2010 – 12:18pm
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College, Non-Sports  

Let me explain something about sports writing.  When you are a beat writer for a specific team, you can usually find something to write about because, well, you only have one subject.  We here at kcsportspodcast.com don’t have that luxury.  We write about so much crap (and I emphasize the word crap) that we sometimes can’t decide what to write about.  I have been thinking aboot (in honor of the Canadian Olympics) my next column for days now, and I just couldn’t narrow it down. 

So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether.  I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list.  Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing.  I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”. 

Thanks BWJ.

So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics.  This is the crap that we came up with. 

LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning?  I am a little scared for you.  I can see the Intervention episode now:

            HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to.  Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light.  But now, it’s different.  Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways.  What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds.  On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently.  I want my little brother back.  Please accept this help today.”

             BWJ: “Fuck you.”

Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver?  If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller.  Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?

BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.

Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*

* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia.  I had a Swedish friend in college.  I mean, from Sweden.  I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century.  No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede.  I know…original.

Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics.  In 2002 they lost to Belarus.  Ouch.  The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.” 

Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats.  Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.

I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude.  Hell, everybody else is doing it…

[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling

LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”.  Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They stunk.  But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”.  Dear God, I made a curling joke.  Moving on…

I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history.  If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.

As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over.  Finland is very good.  As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them.  Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run.  It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.

Just like Boner. *

[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death.  The world has lost one of the great ones.  Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.

First, I loved Growing Pains.  I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”.  Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s???? 

Second, where is Boner?  This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again. 

Bellwether, have you seen Boner?

BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is.  I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver.  (ZING!!)

You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am.  All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:

“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”

“The Swiss are great in goal”

“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”

And you know what??  As advertised.  Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall.  What do you want??  They won the game.  It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.

Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…

Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!!  Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)

…Helsinki.  The capital is Helsinki.

Please tell me what to fear about the Finns.  You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.

LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke.  My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.

My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals.  Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal.  All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).

Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games).  The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down.  You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.

*Case in point…the Soviets

As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament.  They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu. 

All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.

The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English.  Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event?  I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr.  Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?

BWJ: All right!!  And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!!  I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!!  Oops!!  I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!

Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is.  I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.

For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.

It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task.  Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer.  These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth.  To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.

Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…

See what you done did there Logg??  Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals.  Damn you…

LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals.  I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs).  You decided to take it there. 

But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer.  I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter.  I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage.  I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is. 

Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now.  Yippee.

No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run.  They point to their semi-successful run as of late.  Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams.  The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home.  The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska. 

Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend.  Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country.  Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one.  So you may be wondering, what is the deal?   Well, I found out what the deal was.

The Power Towel.  Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?

BWJ:  Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats.  I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother.  Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right??  Ad Astra Per Aspera??

As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country??  They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country.  They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams.  Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.

They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day.  That game is gonna be a bloodbath…

LWK:  Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent.  They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all.  However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that.  They also scare the hell out of me, though.  Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means.  I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.

So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen?  Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?

BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already??  Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract.  For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust.  Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.

Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up.  That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for.  Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.

Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.”  It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.

You’re on notice, Logg…

LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing.  I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website.  If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics. 

Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.  Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson.  Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”.   That means “Seize the Alcohol”.  At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.

Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.

Andrew Koenig 

Richard “Boner” Stabone

1968-2010

REACT TO ME!!

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Posted by Lachky on 02/19/2010 – 4:14pm
Filed under: Non-Sports  

Horray!!  Tiger Woods is back!!  Only he’s not!!  But he apologized!!  Only he didn’t really!!  But maybe he did!!  And he was really genuine!!  Except when he wasn’t!!  What a Fuck-Head!!  I mean, great guy!!

Jeezis…Everybody knew this would happen, didn’t they??  The Tiger Woods Apology Tour Express Rehabilitation Tour is on in full force starting with the Most Important Speech in the History of Golf and Sports and Also in History. 

I tuned in at 10:00 and listened to all 13 ho-hum minutes.  It was…well, what it was.  A guy apologizing for his sins, and letting everybody know that he was turning the page and hoping that they would follow him.  (He was so sincere!!  Only, not!!)  Super. 

But the real fun isn’t trying to dissect his statement.  Noooo, the fun is ripping all of the over-reaction to something that we all knew was going to happen. 

This is gonna be great!!

Tiger Woods is a Real Boy.  A Real Boy!!  by Michael Rosenberg

“This was a real person with real flaws and real failures that he really acknowledged. Tiger has always preferred to sell an image instead of being himself…Ironically, at the moment when Tiger’s image is most at risk, he finally showed us who he is…[he] can’t be an automaton anymore.”

Of course Tiger Woods is a real person with real flaws, but there wasn’t much of that on display today.  He simply said what needed to be said.  Also, the guy is in therapy for sex addiction, and despite whether or not you think his “addiction” should be classified under “being a dude” or not is besides the point.

Therapy (addiction, psychological, marriage or otherwise) is an extremely personal and emotional ordeal, that requires one to look into deep, dark recesses of their psyche.  This is not an easy thing for anybody let alone for someone with the personality of Tiger Woods (or whatever we think the personality of Tiger Woods consists of).  So, I didn’t really expect his presser to take on the feel of a couch session with Freud.  And it didn’t…to everyone but Michael Rosenberg.

Also, is “automaton” even a noun??

How Dare That Phony Piece of Shit Remain a Phony Piece of Shit!!  by Bill Simmons

“The control freak whose life slipped out of control dipped right back into control-freak mode, reading a prepared speech in front of a hand-selected audience of people, taking no questions, talking in clichés and only occasionally seeming human.”

Okay, fair enough, I guess.  One of the criticisms of Woods in the past has been his almost robotic approach to everything in his life; from his preparation, to his interviews, to releasing photos of his kids.  What more, say you, oh Sports Guy??

“Tiger isn’t capable of discussing this stuff with depth or emotion. He can’t ad-lib about his feelings, and never could.”

So the guy incapable of discussing his private life in any sort of emotional or non-robotic way, discussed his private life in a non-emotional and robotic way.  What an asshole!!

I could go on with Billy.  His column is so devoid of any sense, and he contradicts himself more times than he’s referenced Teen Wolf in his columns over the past 10 years it literally made my head spin.  Stick to what you’re best at, Bill.  Namely, talking about Celtics players everybody stopped giving a shit about 20 years ago.

Die You Fucking Capitalist Piggies!!  DIE!!  by Tommy Craggs

“This wasn’t a press conference. This was an advertisement. (Same goes for that staged Getty shoot.) The moment AP, Reuters, and Bloomberg acceded to Tiger’s conditions was the moment they became willing extras in just another Tiger Woods television commercial.”

Oooh, those bastard journalists, and their damned journalisty journalisting!!  How dare they accept an invitation to the story that nobody can shut the fuck up about!!  And to report on such an event with words and phrases that describe the scene they saw!! For shame!!

“And what did these three reporters get in return for their integrity? What vital piece of the story did they provide that they might not have, had they watched Tiger Woods on a glowing box?”

I don’t know??  A front row seat to the story of the decade week??  Should the whole thing have been broadcasted from a bunker in Utah??  Or – ooh!! – how about we just fill RFK stadium, and let everybody go hog-wild?!? 

Jeezis, Tommy.  Stop with this whole “Workers of the world, Unite!!” schtick. And also, stop writing about sports. 

Now the kicker.  From the Nancy Grace of sports journalism: Selena Roberts!!  What say you??

Hey Everybody!!  I’m About to Say Something Stupid!!  by Selena Roberts

“The joyride express for the U.S. had been cruising without one international incident during the Winter Games…And then along comes an ugly American to disrupt the feel-good vibe: Tiger Woods.”

That fucker.  This Olympics would have been flawless if not for him!!  Or that luger dying.  Or Wayne Gretzkey making the Wayne Gretzky Needs to Poop Face.  Or there actually being, you know, snow at the Winter Olympics.  Nope, all Tiger’s fault.  What a dick.

“The Olympic athletes deserve a break, particularly those from the U.S. Over the years they’ve performed in front of global audiences that weren’t especially warm to them. In Athens in 2004, Americans heard boos from crowds who held Bush’s Iraq policy against them. In Turin in 2006, American athletes were ridiculed for being brawlers…In Beijing two years ago, the Americans were battered for being bad guests when several cyclists arrived in smoggy China with masks over their faces. It’s always been something.”

This has absolutely nothing to do with Tiger Woods.

/slaps face

Well, sports fans.  That’s about it.  What’s that??  You want more of the double-exclamation point meme??  Sure!!

Great to see you in public again, Tiger!!  Or Robo-Tiger!!  See you at the Masters!!  Or not!!  Hey, Selena!!  Cee yoU Next Tuesday!!

I Slept With Tiger Woods

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Posted by Lachky on 12/03/2009 – 5:00pm
Filed under: Non-Sports  

Hell, it’s probably true.  I don’t remember a thing after Alan gave us all Jaeger shots on the Caesar’s Palace rooftop.

Here is a list of things that I will not be talking about in this post:

1.) How weird it is that we’ve come to this place after a simple one-car accident.

 2.) Were Tiger Woods’ facial lacerations due to said car accident, or a physical altercation??

3.) What will the effect of this scandal be on his endorsement deals??

4.) My insight into the evolution of the market economy of the Southern Colonies.

And here’s why…because none of it is relevant to the discussion of Tiger Woods’ indiscretions.  Really.  None of it.  You can say, “Oh he’s such a family man…how could he do this!!” or, “His wife is so hot!!  What a dumbass!!” or, “Really??  Tool Academy chick??”*  But all you’re really doing is giving your observations on a train wreck, and really, the only salient observation on a train wreck is, “HOLY SHIT!!  Look at that fucking train!!”

* Here’s one thing I don’t get.  Now, I’m not a fan of the Tool Academy.  I don’t watch it with any regularity, and really have no desire to.  I’ve only seen bits and pieces, and here’s what I gather: the guys are even douchier than their appearance (which is mighty hard to believe, but it’s true), and have been going around, getting wasted, getting in fights, and trying (and succeeding) to get into the panties of underage girls.  These revelations are much to the chagrin of their girlfriends, who are on the show to get their men to stop diddling around on them.  There are even relationship counselors who help them build healthier relationships.

Again, I don’t watch the show, but wasn’t Jamiee Grubbs one of the girlfriends on the show??  And aren’t the girlfriends supposed to be the sympathetic figures to the rampant douchebaggery of their better halves??  And SHE’S the one banging Tiger Woods for the better part of three years?!?!  YOU OPPORTUNISTIC JEZEBEL!!  I HAVE LOST ALL FAITH IN REALITY TELEVISION!!!

Here’s the reason none of it matters: Tiger Woods is not human.  Not in the sense that you might think he is.  These professional athletes operate on a different plane than 99% of the population.  You know it and I know it.  In reality, I would have been more surprised to learn that he wasn’t getting his share of road beef.

All anybody is talking about these days is how his behavior runs counter to his squeaky-clean image, but that’s all it is, an image.  If it was reality, we wouldn’t call it an image.

Consequently, I cannot be the least bit surprised in the revelations of Tiger stickin’ his Woods in Grubbs’ Salad, Kalika Vision, or Pilsner Uchitel.*

* I swear, I think Jason Whitlock beamed that last sentence into my brain…

Now let me be clear: I am not defending his actions.  Not at all.  He’s got a wife, and children to worry about, and blah, blah.  But, again, HE’S NOT ONE OF US.  Professional athletes exist on a different plane than everybody else.  And, guess what??  So do their families.  They grow up with more privilege and opportunity than any of us can imagine.  The media scrutiny for them will be more than the majority of us as a consequence, but that’s the life of the child and wife of a superstar, and there’s nothing that can be done about that, no matter how many yachts named “Privacy” you buy.

I know a girl (which is to say that a friend of a friend works with her) that went to Florida when she was in college, went to a club, was spotted, sat in the VIP, and in the morning, woke up next to a very naked and very well-hung Michael Jordan.  This is the alleged story, and whether true or not, is entirely believable. This was, of course, when MJ was still married, and well before he started running a franchise into the ground or banging this chick.  The most implausible part of the story??  That she didn’t get double-teamed by him and Charles Oakley.

Point is, I can’t get all up in arms about how this goes against Woods’ squeaky-clean image, because that shit’s manufactured, and I can’t get all up in arms about how this will effect his endorsements and his golf game, because this shit won’t.

We were all shocked when Steve McNair’s Becky took him to the grave with her, and yet, despite Tiger being as unfaithful, I have heard not one person bring that up.  In other words, this will all blow over when Michael Phelps bangs a tranny hooker (or becomes one), when Ron Artest kills these puppies (It’s gonna happen), or when this happens again.  Until then, Tiger Woods is totally fucked…and yet, all is still right with the world…

Rod Rage

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Posted by Lachky on 11/05/2009 – 1:30pm
Filed under: Non-Sports  
“In 2002 I was injured. I had heard that human growth hormone could promote faster healing for my elbow. I felt an obligation to get back to my team as soon as possible. For this reason, and only this reason…I tried human growth hormone.” Andy Pettitte – 2007
 

I’ve surveyed the interwebs this morning, as I usually do, not looking for anything in particular, but it’s hard to not get swallowed by the crush of Yankee stories following their 27th World Championship.  And while the journalistic stories are running the gambit from trying to quantify the greatness of this current Yankee squad, to congratulating Hediki Matsui,* to second guessing the Phillies Champion-o-meter, the comments from the masses seem to be centered on one person: A-Rod.

* The best had to be the Sports Center Rundown this morning, which featured a tab that said, “Most Valuable Godzilla.”  I don’t know…if I had a vote for MVG, I’d vote for, oh…I don’t know…GODZILLA?!?!  There’s NO way that Matsui could defeat Rodan AND Mothra by himself.  MAYBE Mothra, but not both. 

I had many a person tell me in the past 12 hours that A-Rod is a cheating fuck, not deserving enough to raise the World Series trophy.  He’s a roid-monger, a dick licker, etc. etc., and he apparently makes numerous people puke just seeing his purple lips shout in championship ecstasy.

Now, I put the quote up at the top of this post for a reason.  I have heard not word-one about Andy Pettitte being a cheater, or an HGH user, or the best friends of one of the most notorious, Asshole-ish, roided dicks* ever to walk the face of the earth.

* From my new favorite website: dickipedia.org…why can’t I think of shit like this??

Now, let me clarify.  I’m not defending A-Rod’s steroid use.  I’m not even defending A-Rod.  I hate that self-loathing piece of shit as much as the next guy, but please, please don’t get all high-and-mighty about how he’s ruined the game of baseball, or that you get all nauseated every time you see him succeed.  Hate the fucker because he plays for the Yankees.  Hate him because he’s banging Kate Hudson.  Hate him because he fucks goats (he looks like a guy who would fuck goats).

Andy Pettitte gets a pass at your ‘roid rage…why??  Because you determined he was more contrite in his apology??  Because he’s Tebow Lite??  Because he helped save 23 babies from a burning day care building (he looks like a guy who would help save 23 babies from a burning day care building).

Just get off your high horse.  Everybody used steroids in baseball…EVERYBODY.  Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, A-Rod, Pettitte, Pujols, Mauer, Sweeney, Farnsworth…E.V.E.R.Y.B.O.D.Y.

Do I need proof??  Not in my eyes any more.  And you know what?? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.  I’m past it.  I’m beyond it.  So Barry Bonds shot himself full of Beef Roid and Chlomid…big deal. 

I found that once I climbed down off of my high horse, the flowers smelled a little sweeter.  Am I pissed that the roid-mongers forever changed the statistical outlook of the sport??  Sure.  Am I mad that MLB turned a blind eye to the story for so long??  Of course.  If you’re not past it, then by all means, continue to spew forth your anti-roid venom.

But please, be consistent in dispensing your hater-ade.  That is all.  If A-Rod’s a cock for cheating, then so is Pettitte

…and also for the goat fucking thing…

Poking Holes In A Classic

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 07/24/2009 – 11:38am
Filed under: Non-Sports  

No Royals game = No Royals loss. 

 

And I suppose that’s a good thing.  What’s not a good thing?  Having nothing to watch on television.  I mean, there was Big Brother of course, which was entertaining, but that’s about it.  (You’re effed, by the way, Ronnie). 

 

On most nights during this spring and summer I have had a pretty standard routine after work.  I come home, eat dinner, watch TV until about 10:00 or so, and then finally watch the Royals game that I have recorded.  I do this for a couple of reasons.  1. My girlfriend and I like to watch “our shows” during prime time.  Plus, despite being a baseball fan and a good sport, I know for a fact she doesn’t want to watch the blundering Royals.  2. This way I can fast forward through the commercials.  I mean, how many times can I watch an old man get hit in the head with a can of Keystone Light*?  There is only one commercial that I will stop the fast forwarding and watch, and that is the GEICO commercial where the cavemen are bowling to Three Doors Down’s “Let Me Be Myself”.   Classic.

 

*All I can think about when I see Keystone light commercials is “Key-Stone Me!”   This was a slogan we came up with in college.  When we would have big parties at the fraternity house, we would buy a lot of beer from a distributor.  We always got whatever they would sell us the cheapest.  One time is was Keystone, hence “Key-Stone Me!” or “Get Key-Stoned!”.   Other times it was Milwaukee’s Best.  But the ultimate was when we got Stroh’s.  You have no idea how many times I said the words “Stroh’s before hos”.  Ah, the reflections of a misspent youth.

 

Last night I was exhausted.  I came home, ate dinner, and immediately got in bed and fell asleep.  Sounds good right?  I mean, no Royals game; might as well get caught up on some rest, right?  Poor choice.  I woke up around 10, and was wide awake.  No chance I am going to fall asleep.  So I descended to the couch for a little bit.  Nothing on TV except for one of the greatest movies of all time…ready?  I’ll give you a hint:

 

The Navy calls it Fighter Weapons School.   The drivers call it…

 

TOP GUN

I love this movie.  End of story.  But, I have a few problems with it.  And since I don’t feel like writing about the Royals, Big Ben Rapelisberger, Lance Armstrong, or Michael Vick, this is what I am going with.

 

Problem 1: What happened to Cougar when he “turned in his wings”?

 

I mean, aren’t you locked into service for some amount of time?  Was he right at the point of re-upping?  You can’t just turn in your notice to the Navy after they have spent all the time and money training you to fly planes.  In Top Gun II – Sundown’s Revenge, the movie opens with Cougar explaining that he was quitting his new assignment of unclogging the latrines because he was ‘holding on too tight, and lost the plunger’.

 

Problem 2: How, if Top Gun training only lasts for 5 weeks, is it only for the top 1% of Naval Aviators?

 

How many pilots are there?  If they push 20 pilots through top Gun every 8 weeks, wouldn’t they churn through 1% in about 3 sessions?  I suppose they couldn’t disclose that because it wouldn’t sound nearly as prestigious as “You represent the top 84% of all Naval aviators.  The mediocre.  The best of the rest.”

 

Problem 3: If Jester is so awesome, why does he bail for the hard deck as soon as he is in trouble?

 

This should have been examined a little closer in the movie.  I think Maverick has a pretty good argument in Viper’s office.  As soon as the game turns against him, Jester is saying “I am taking my plane and going home”.  Pussy.

 

Problem 4:  Where did Sundown come from?

 

Is he an alternate or something?  Do they just have RIO’s sitting standby in Miramar waiting to see if someone dies?  God forbid you just let the pilot grieve.  It’s a five week course.  Goose dies, they collect all evidence, have a hearing, and then get him back in the plane in two days???  You know Sundown was just sitting on the tarmac before every hop eyeballing the RIO’s that were going up.  That has to be freaky.  It’s like training your replacement before you even get fired.

 

Problem 5: If there is a crisis halfway around the world, why do you have to summon for pilots at Top Gun?

 

There has to be more pilots around somewhere.  A ship is disabled, and drifting into enemy waters, and you are telling the captain of that ship that we should be there to help in 36 hours?  I can imagine that conversation:

 

Admiral: We’re on our way.

Captain: Okay, do you have an ETA

Admiral: Next Tuesday.

Captain: Um, why is this taking so long?

Admiral: We need pilots.

Captain: (downing another scotch) You have a whole aircraft carrier.  Don’t you have any pilots?

Admiral:  Yeah, but you don’t want these pilots.  They are in the bottom 99%.

Captain: (refilling the glass) Oh, well, you’re the boss I guess.  We’ll be floating here whenever you’re ready.

 

Problem 6: Did Hollywood feel like a Douche getting off the helicopter after the dogfight?

 

The look on his face as he jogs into the celebration on deck is one of uneasiness.  I mean, he lasted all of 30 seconds in the fight.  It would be like Conor Teahan getting carried off the court after KU won the National Championship.  Awkward.

 

Final Problem: Did “Charlie” take the promotion in Washington or not?

 

She’s there in the diner when Maverick finally returns.  That must have been months.  I mean, by the time Maverick is debriefed, gets his orders changed, moves to San Diego, and is working at Top Gun, don’t you think she would be long gone?  This one gets answered in the sequel.  Maverick hooks up with a grieving Meg Ryan.  Charlie sees them making out in the bar, and is furious.  She looks for revenge, and decides that the best thing she can do is screw Sundown.  Maverick decides he doesn’t want to take care of Goose’s kid, and bails on Meg.  He goes to Charlie’s house only to find Sundown banging his ex-girlfriend.  Charlie doesn’t see Maverick, but Sundown does.  Sundown looks dead at Maverick and says, “You could have had it man!  You could have had THIS man!”

 

The end. 

 

Now, back to Royals baseball.  Is it football season yet?

Jason Whitlock Likes His Asses Fat… Just Not That Fat

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Posted by Lachky on 07/07/2009 – 1:47pm
Filed under: Non-Sports  

It can be a lot of work running around cyberspace every day.  There are lots of words, pop-up ads, and “work” that get in the way…also there’s lots of words.  Thankfully, here to help us thru all the gluttony of letters and syntax is SI.com.*  You see, handy-dandy Sports Illustrated has given us a way to cut our reading time (nearly) in half by presenting Story Highlights.

* Just as it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer in a restaurant and not get salsa, I wonder what happens if they try to go to YES.com. Que?? Ningunos puntos culminantes del futbol??

Story Highlights give us a little snap shot of the story itself, and as I’m sure the author of the story does not write them, they can lead to hilarity.  Take for example this story about Serena Williams re: her appearance on David Letterman:

Story Highlights:

  • Serena Williams believes grunting may give players an edge during a match
  • Williams told David Letterman that Monica Seles was her grunting role model
  • Williams said she also grunts when she plays golf or kicks a soccer ball

See, now don’t those context-less highlight bullets really help when you’re reading the story??  Let’s take them one by one, shall we?

  • Swarms of killer bees though??  Well, that’s just tradition
  • My grunting role model is young Forrest Gump impersonating his mother humping the superintendent
  • I bet she also grunts when she’s eating lots of food [SNIZZ-APP!!]

Oooooohhhh…I’m sorry guys.  Commenting about a woman’s over-sized derrière as a detriment to her play is waaaaay out of bounds, especially in today’s overly-sensitive media.  Wait…what’s this??  Well, well, if it isn’t our old buddy Jason Whitlock, himself a purveyor of fat-assitude, to stick his pumpkin-filled jowls exactly where they don’t belong:

Serena could be the best ever, but …

Story Highlights:

  • Serena Williams is the perfect combination of Michael Jordan, Jim Brown, Muhammad Ali and Rosa Parks…only fat.
  • A stuffed onion is a booty so round and tight that it brings tears to your eyes
  • Did I mention Serena Williams is fat??  Oh, good…because she’s fat.

See how fun that is!!  There are arguments abound due to this pertinent article (as there are for pretty much every penned Whitty offering), but despite the deliberate sexism and blatant Whitlock-style ratings grab, I’m sure everybody’s focusing on the main point of the article, which is:

Is it correct and fair for the sports media to assign potential to athletes, and then disseminate blame when said athlete appears to fall short of said assigned potential? Well, of course it is…as long as you throw in some fat blasts to go with it. Just don’t tell Mike Gundy.

Lefty, A Cure for the Common Crazies, and We Suck Again

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Posted by Lachky on 06/24/2009 – 1:06pm
Filed under: Kansas City Royals, Non-Sports  

What is one to do with two weeks off of work? First off, how does one get to be off for two weeks? Beyond pulling a George Costanza and cooling off your feet in the soft serve machine, there’s not too many a way to finagle remaining a paid employee while lying on a futon for 14 days. Fortunately, I was able to contract a case of the John Buck’s, and have spent way too much time watching daytime TV whilst waiting for my body to adjust to the fact that it no longer has a dysfunctional piece of equipment between the L5-S1 vertebrae. The result has been a mind-numbing mash of Rachel Ray, stupid talking Volkswagens, and horrible Lindsay Lohan movies on Starz. Keeping me sane, however, is my keeping tabs on the sports world for you, the loyal reader.

 

Lefty and the Open:

 

Thanks to Chris Berman’s astute analysis during day-time ESPN US Open coverage (and where would our knowledge of sport be without him??), I know that people on Long Island loooove Phil Mickelson. I think it’s more like: Long Islanders love beer. They also love Amy Mickelson’s sweet caboose. If that, together with a dash of breast cancer, isn’t an A+ recipe for a Jeremy Schapp Sports Center human interest piece, I don’t know what is. We have long awaited somebody to play Wilt to Tiger’s Russell, and more than anyone, Phil has been, fairly or unfairly, bestowed that mantle. He was given raucous galleries at Bethpage in 2002 because 1.) at that point he was the Anti-Tiger, and 2.) had yet to win a major. Now, back in NY seven years later, he has three, and while he is generally despised by his fellow golfers, the media frenzy leading up to the open was largely about the course and crowd being overwhelmingly pro-Phil. The media fed it, and we ate it up.

 

I’m sympathetic for the fact that it has to be a difficult time in the Mickelson family these days, and I, like many of you, found myself rooting hard for Lefty down the stretch. But, the man is a professional. My best friend passed away from cancer a year-and-a-half ago. That didn’t stop me from going out there and selling sub-prime mortgages to people who didn’t have a pot to piss in.* These golfers have a remarkable ability to shut out everything other than the task at hand. Ricky Barns wasn’t shaken by anything going on in his personal life. He was shaken by the fact that he had never been there before. (Though I have a feeling we’ll find out that the D-bag hat had something to do with it). I don’t think Phil was shaken by Amy’s diagnosis when he pushed that five-footer by the hole on seventeen. He pushed it because it was the 71st hole at the US Open, and this is what he does.

 

But, like he said after the round, he has much more important things to worry about now, and let me be the 20,000,000th person to wish Amy Mickelson a complete and speedy recovery.

 

* Yes, that is actually what I did for a job at the time. You’ll be happy to know that even back then, I was a part of the problem.

 

I’m Taking a Mental Health Day *

* That title, of course, a line taken from Michael Cera’s turn as Nick in Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist. Pitch meeting: “We need a vehicle for Michael Cera. How about we cast him as an awkward high schooler? Except instead of enhancing his funny output with raunchy humor, which is only funny because of his awkward delivery, we’re going to give him hacky MTV-esque non-risqué dialogue. Oh, and we need a female lead…is Mandy Moore available?? No?? Hmmm…how about the daughter of the chick in the 40 Year Old Virgin?? …no, the one that looks like Hillary Duff with Gigantism…great!! Shooting starts Wednesday.”

 

It seems almost cliché these days; a pro athlete shrinking from the spotlight, citing the ever-more popular “anxiety issues.” In the past, our testosterone-fueled sports psyche would encourage the shunning of such concerns as meager and womanly. When I think of the most man-card friendly team of the last half-century, I think of those beer-swillin, mullet-rockin’, son’s-a-bitchin’ ’93 Phillies. Could you really see a DL stint in ’93 for Darren Daulton* re: a case of the “nobody loves me”?? No. A case of the bat shits, maybe, but not a case of the yips. Yet, here, a mere 16 years later, we find ourselves in a different reality.

 

The trials and tribulations re: mental health have been well documented for the likes of D-Train, Joey Votto, Khalil Greene, ** and especially the journalistic-ly well-worn path of one Zack Greinke.

 

* If you type Darren Daulton into Google, the first thing it pre-populates is “Darren Daulton Crazy.” I shit you not. Somebody has to christen this phenomenon. Google Fishing, perhaps??

 

** Apparently the path to mental health is playing the Kansas City Royals. Greene went 4-7 with 3HR last week in KC…Sucks to your Zoloft.

So, to what do we attribute this sudden influx of major leaguers w/ mental problems?? Is this a reflection of society’s growing acceptance of mental disorders?? Is this an increasingly easy to use excuse button for pampered athletes?? Maybe a little bit of all-of-the-above.

 

Ballclubs have so much time, effort, and money invested in each of their players, that they almost don’t have a choice but to accept a player’s anxiety-related issues, and help them to work their way thru them. I’m not suggesting that those running the ball clubs don’t actually care about the players (much has been written about Greinke’s relationship with Allard Baird and Buddy Bell re: their supportiveness during his ordeal), but if you don’t think their pocketbooks are receiving as close a look as the psyche of the player in question, you’re crazy in need of a mental health day yourself.

 

Bottom line is that it’s a completely legitimate concern (if you think your boy Bellwether hasn’t contemplated a vaca to the bin, you’d be wrong), and these athletes are human. Nothing but respect to ballplayers who have battled their mental demons and made it back to the ballpark, but the reason for the up-tick in cases is not for me to decide…that’s Outside the Line’s job.

 

Man, These Guys Suck

 

Last night’s performance notwithstanding, the Royals have officially turned back into the Royals. Nice to have you back again, boys. You tried your best to trick us: a hot start (18-11), a terrible 30 game stretch (6-23) and, just when you think they have things back on track (winning five of six, pulling within 4 ½ of first place Detroit), they crap the bed and get blown out five games in-a-row.

 

The path has been well-worn by both Poz and Rany (amongst many others smarter than I), but more than anything, getting crushed like we did is probably worse because of who it happened to. The Cardinals series is always the most populated series of the year. The crowd is usually inhabited by jerky red-clad STL-ers who still hold a Denkinger grudge. Always, the Cardinal series is a chance for us humble Royals servants to see a stadium filled to capacity, albeit with half of it clad in opposing garb. This year was supposed to have been different, though. We’ve been able to ring the turnstiles without the help of our cross-state rivals on a number of different occasions, and this series was supposed to show them that, now armed with a legitimate stadium, we were a legitimate baseball team. WRONG.

 

Much has been written about how we might have a chance to win the central this year. While many were hoping for the best before the season started, much of our enthusiasm was tempered by a realist approach that there were several things that needed to fall into place. I think it’s pretty clear they haven’t:

 

- Kyle Farnsworth is not a legitimate bridge to Joakim Soria

- Billy Butler is not the next John Olerud *

- Alex Gordon could not stay healthy

- Coco Crisp could not stay healthy

- Joakim Soria could not stay healthy

- Mike Aviles could not replicate last year’s performance

- Mike Jacobs has not learned how hit lefties

 

* BR’s top comp to Billy is…drum roll please…Ken Harvey

It goes on-and-on. The Royals do have some of the best starting pitching in the league, and have some good complimentary pieces. It just doesn’t look like they have the big bats coming down the pipe to really put a contending team on the table unless the chips fall exactly where we need them to. I got news for you…the chips never do. At least we’ll be into July before Poz’s annual “Why us?? Why, God, WHY!??!?: Royals’ Season is Officially Over” column this year.

 

Final bits:

 

1.) There’s a new Pepsi commercial that they are airing these days during nationally-televised baseball games. It’s a mashup of Bob Dylan’s “Forever Young” that features the BEP’s Will I. Am. The fact that I want to puke when I hear it notwithstanding, the commercial itself shows ole-school footage of baseball icons next to the stars of tomorrow. Included are side-by-side shots of Mr. Met and Sluggerrr, and a pick of Billy Butler pointing a bat at the camera. I know I just kind of dissed Billy, but that’s pretty cool…and here, you thought the rest of the country didn’t know we existed.

 

2.) The KC Star only archives Posnanski columns back nine months…where are last years Royals columns?? I call shenanigans…

 

3.) I was looking for a video clip of Darryl Strawberry shedding a tear in the outfield due to a heckler in the “Homer at the Bat” episode of the Simpsons, but couldn’t find a video of the episode anywhere, so I went with a “Gigantism” blast instead. Are we really in the great internet age when I can’t find a Simpsons episode online?? I probably wasn’t looking hard enough…

 

4.) Thoughts and prayers to the residents of Parkersburg, IA…again…

You see? This is what you get for wearing a pink shirt with no sleeves

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Posted by Lachky on 06/01/2009 – 1:35pm
Filed under: Non-Sports  

It’s been quite a while since we’ve talked.  I know…it’s been too long, but two weeks ago I made a pledge that I would be gone until at least ONE Royals player has 5 RCAA (Runs Created Above Average) for the season.

Alas:

Mark Teahen 2
Jose Guillen 2
Willie Bloomquist 1

Yeah, that’s no good.  Juan Pierre has 4.  Rather than being gone until Solar Cycle 24 peaks, I have decided to enter the sports talk fray today by commenting on what is on everybody’s minds in the first week of June: The French Open!

I’ve long been a fan of Roger Federer for several reasons.  He’s always put that uppity brat Andy Roddick in his place (though he doesn’t seem all that worse-for wear because of it), he’s been a consumate professional, and anybody who’s able to channel their creative energy into things other than watch or chocolate making deserves a kudos from me, at least.

Still, the fragile Swissman’s utter domination left my interest un-piqued until the brash, sleeveless Spaniard started schooling him on all surfaces.  Sport sans rivalry is…I dont’ know…crappy (??), so  I started finding these tennis matches, well, compelling*, and started following the sport more closely than I had minus Sampras v Agassi.

* Of course this post can be correctly interpreted as a cunning and not so un-blatant attempt to link the most incredible piece of sports prose that I have ever read.  Read the footnotes, mourn the loss.

I had cursed Fed’s loss at last year’s All England final, and thought that the perpetual corner had been turned on the tears he shed after his defeat at Rafa’s hands in Melbourne earlier this year.  In my sports fan brain, I envisioned a resurgent Federer taking Nadal to task in an epic demon exorising five-setter at this year’s French to put the final feather in the Swiss cap.

Cest la vie.  Nadal has bowed before taking the trophy for the first time in his career, and that leaves the final piece of the career Grand Slam puzzle Fed’s for the taking.

Still, I’m a little weary of the, “Hey, our biggest threat on the way to a tournament title just got knocked out by an unknown; we’re a shoo-in!!” thought process, especially since Tommy Hass almost ousted our boy earlier today.

We’ll have to wait and see what happens, but you can’t tell me that you didn’t see this Nadal fall coming.  All we needed to do was learn from the mistakes of the past and realize that this is what happens when a man dons a sleeveless pink shirt.

Let the FIN Begin

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Posted by Lachky on 05/09/2009 – 10:21am
Filed under: Non-Sports  

Greinke’s awesome.  His fiancé is smoking.  The Royals have won six of seven.  They drew 32,000 fans to Tha Kaye on a Thursday afternoon.  BO-RING!!  I wish I could write something about it.  I really do.  And don’t get me wrong.  I love, love, LOVE what our “little team that could” is doing.  I have die-harded-ly followed these guys for the majority of my natural life.  I have the Royals 2005 schedule still to this day in my wallet with every W and L tabulated on the date the game was played.*  So I have decided not to analyze this season up to this point.  The only justice I would end up serving by doing that is dick & fart jokes, and lord knows these guys deserve much more than that.  Rob & Rany I am not.

* with August 9 completely blacked out with ink.  If you’re a true fan, you know why…and you will know because of that fact that I am one too.

Unfortunately, that leaves a little void in this commentarium.  Fortunately, sometimes the gods smile upon you with a little gem like this:

Dolphins home will be LandShark Stadium as part of deal with Buffett

Now I first heard of this crap-tacular stadium name on Wednesday’s edition of PTI.  In-between Wilbon telling me about Racquel Welch and Kornheiser telling me about American Idol (you know…sports), they mentioned the name, and I thought “stupid.” And that was that.  I figured it was some marketing stunt that was bound to fail.  Well, it is.  But the better part is that it is bound to fail more spectacularly that even I could have imagined possible.

Yesterday I clicked on the above link, and while the story was loading, several possibilities of what exactly it meant popped into my head in the form of questions:

1.) What in the hell is Warren Buffett doing purchasing a football stadium?

2.) Is Ajit Jain a really big Dolphins fan, and we just didn’t know it?

3.) Will the Nebraska Furnature Mart that Buffet will most likely replace the stadium with draw more fans than last night’s Marlins game?

Well, it turns out that the Oracle of Omaha is not the Buffett in the story. It’s much more hilarious than that. Nope…we’re talking about Jimmy Buffett. Yes…that one. There are several different things that I learned from reading this story.

- Fans of Jimmy Buffett are called “Parrotheads.” See, and all this time, I was thinking they were called “Slacks-layden douchebags,” and if they were male and under 50, they were called “gay.”

- Buffett penned a new song called “Fins” in tribute to the Dolphins (Get it?). It was better than the first title: “Nick Saban go to hell.”

- Dolphins owner Stephen Ross said, “We’re going to be associated with Jimmy Buffett forever…That’s what the important thing is.” There’s no joke here…I think the quote suffices.

- The stadium is named after Buffet’s beer Slacks-layden Douchebag  Lager LandShark Lager.

Buffet ended his statement to the media by saying “All I can add is, let the Fin begin!” Jimmy Buffet + aquatic puns = winning football. Unless he meant “Fin” in the way they end French films. In which case, the end is nigh…but, of course, that is evidenced by the fact that they are renaming Joe Robbie Stadium after Jimmy Buffett’s beer. What are they going to do at halftime?? Have Garth Brooks sing “Friends in Low Places” on the jumbo-tron??

…and you wonder why the terrorists hate us…