Category: Local College

The Big Status Quo Conference

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 06/08/2010 – 11:39pm
Filed under: Local College  

Well, we’re here.  This has gone on long enough.  I finally have to weigh in on this whole Big XII, Big 10+1, Pac-10, MVC, Mountain West, SEC, hullabaloo.  This whole thing is playing out like a bunch of stupid high school drama, and in the end, nothing (I repeat, NOTHING) is going to change.  That’s right, I said it. 

HP started whining about this like Chicken Little back in early May.

“The Big XII is done, and KU is going to get screwed.”

Sure it is.  Read through all the crap in the paper, and I can see why you would think that.  I mean, you have Missouri and Nebraska going to the Big 10.  That causes Texas, Tech, Oklahoma, Okie Light, aTm, and Colorado* to bolt to the Pac-10.  And once that mass exodus happens, you have KU, K-Junior, and Iowa State praying for that coveted invite from the MVC.  Hey, at least I’ll get to see KU in St. Louis every March.

*Of course, somehow the legislature of Texas threatens to secede from the Union, and in turn gets the Pac-10 to take Baylor instead of Colorado.  This forces the Buffs to become the worst team in the Mountain West instead of the worst team in the Big XII or Pac-10.

So as we all sit here on pins and needles waiting for the impeding collapse that is the Midwestern college landscape, allow me to remind you of just one little thing (and this may sting for all you Antlers out there)…

The Big 10 doesn’t want Mizzou.

It’s true.  The Big 10 wants Notre Dame, and that is it.  They want to get to twelve teams, which gives them two divisions, and a championship game in football.  They do not want to expand to 16 teams. 

I know it hurts, Tigers.  Here is basically what happened.  Let’s say that there is a really hot guy in school.  He isn’t the hottest dude in school, but he is up in the top 3-4.  We’ll call him Bryce Tennor.  He has a huge crush on Nicole Davis.  Nicole is the coolest girl in school.  She is so cool, that she doesn’t even want to date or be tied down, and just sleeps with anyone.  Bryce cannot get Nicole to notice him at all, even though he is hot.  So what does Bryce do?  That’s right; he starts flirting with everyone in sight.  Nancy, Rachel, Syrie and Vicky.  He does this merely in an attempt to get Nicole to think she had better get in the picture quickly or Bryce could be married before she even got a chance.

Then you have Missy.  Missy is not attractive.  She is poor, and has small insignificant television markets, uh, breasts.  Well, Missy hears that Bryce is courting just about anyone, and suddenly believes she has a shot.  Some of her friends even tell her she has a shot.  Missy begins to lie to everyone she knows, telling them she will be dating Bryce before you know it.  She tells herself this so much that she even begins to believe her own lie.  Truth is, Bryce is never going to get with Missy unless he is ridiculously drunk and all the other girls mentioned are busy, or have herpes.

Sad, I know.

Look, The Big 10 pays each of its members about $20 million per year.  Let’s do some math:

11 teams x $20 mil. = $220 Million.

Now, add in a Notre Dame and you have something more like this:

$220 mil. + $80 million from ND = $300 mil./12 teams = $25 million per team

Next scenario is the Big 10 adds Mizzou, Nebraska, and one of the Big East teams:

$220 mil. + $40 million combined = $260 mil./14 teams = $18.57 million per team

The Big 10 is not stupid.  Nebraska and Mizzou add very little, if any value to the league.  There is no way that the powers that be in that league will dilute the value of the franchise.  Not so they can facilitate a “border rivalry” between MU and Illinois.  Not so Nubs can play Iowa either.  No, in the end this was all just a smokescreen to finally get the Irish to play ball.  And it will probably work. 

If I was Missy, I think I might try to play nice with the semi-good looking guy who is really only seen in public with me because I put out.  That is, before he finds a better looking girl with even lower self esteem.

LaceDarius Dunn Will Not Let The College Basketball Season Die

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Posted by Lachky on 04/16/2010 – 12:47pm
Filed under: Local College  

I was done.  Done thinking about it, done worrying about it, done obsessing…done.  And the “it” of which I am referring is College Basketball.  I was finally content and happy to put it in my back pocket for the next nine months, and let the rest of the shitty world of sports in Kansas City run its course until the Jayhawks suited up again.

This is the reason there hasn’t been a lot of chatter around here with regard to Cole and X going pro.  No commentary on Brandon Knight signing with the Kentucky.  No remarks on Ben Jacobson getting a 10 year extension simply for beating Kansas.**  

 

** Though, what does that say about the stature of Basketball at Kansas, where you can get millions upon millions of dollars by beating one team one time.

 

The trip to STL for the Midwest Regional was still fun sans KU.  HP, Logg and I got to get drunk, sell our Sunday tix for beer money, get drunk, watch me puss out on getting an attractive girls phone number at the pre-game bar, get drunk, listen to DREAM, get drunk, catch a free bus rider from a skeevy looking dude who then fed us beer out of a lukewark cooler and drove us to the stadium along streets whose names you only hear on the news, get drunk, watch Michigan state do to UNI in the second half what KU should have done, get drunk, and…oh, yeah…get drunk.  Not what I had envisioned as the end of this year’s season, but fitting none-the-less.

 

What comes next.  We’ve got a whole summer of bullpen implosions to look forward to.  We have a new coaching staff full of assholes to draft disappointing defensive linemen.  We have hockey playoffs (just kidding…nobody cares about hockey playoffs).

 

So, sure.  Not the most exciting stuff to look forward to, but I’ll pay attention because I’m a dude.  But…just when I thought it was over…out of the deep blue sea comes this:

 

FUCK

 

This fucking asshole again??  Goddammnit, how old is this guy anyways??  He’s been on the team, what, like eight years?? 

 

Here are, completely of the top of my head – with no discernable research – my three least-favorite LaceDarius Dunn memories*:

 

02/14/2004

An 18 year old LaceDarius torches an unsuspecting Senior-laden KU team to the tune of 27 and 16, performing three windmill dunks, and then, to top it off, sees your girlfriend out a bar in Waco afterwords, and bangs the shit out of her.

 

01/26/2005

LaceDarius Dunn, in the midst of his second Sophomore season hits 16 three-pointers, and lifts Baylor to their first ever victory in Allen Field House.  On top of that, to punctuate his twelfth three, he spies Jeff Boschee, himself in his fourth senior season, and punches him square in the face.  In Dunn’s defense, Boschee did kind of deserve it, being Jeff Boschee and all…

 

02/20/2010

After dropping a school record 42 on Kansas, Dunn, not content with continually hitting contested shots against the Jayhawks, performs lazer tattoo removal on this chick at halftime. 

 

* The validity of these stories has not been confirmed. 

 

Point is, LaceDarius Dunn is an asshole.

 

It’s that earlier this season, when he was dropping ridiculous 30-footers with a hand in his face, I said to myself, “Fuck, I thought that asshole graduated…he’s been around for-fucking-ever.”

 

Well, looks like he’s sticking around to stick it in our craw a few more times before flying the coop.

I will now make like the Royals bullpen, and set myself on fire.

Don’t Be A Louis

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 03/26/2010 – 11:15am
Filed under: Feature, Local College  

I know you have been anxiously waiting.  I know this.  I have been waiting too.  I just didn’t know what to do after the Jayhawks got Pantherized last Saturday.  I promise I won’t dwell on this.

I blame this entirely on the three douchebags who played darts for 6 hours at the Sports Attic.  Because they were doing that, HP and I were unable to sit in our seats.  We were forced instead to sit in the less reliable section.*  It just didn’t work.  I tried to will Kansas to victory.  HP gave it his best effort.  My wonderful fiancée continued sending positive vibes via the text line to us at the Attic (and she’s a Mizzou fan, God love her).  Down 10 with 10 or so to go, we thought the tides had turned for the better.  Hall and Oates came on the speakers, and we danced. 

*If you ever make it to the Sports Attic, go to the back two tables. The one on the left is the one that HP knocked over jubilantly after Mario’s Miracle.  So we have won some games there, but we have also not exactly played our A-game at times as well.

I’ll say that again.  HP and I danced like morons to Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True”.   Feel free to click here, and enjoy while you finish this column.

We had to do something to change the momentum.  And it sort of did.  KU went on their mini-run after that.  Apparently, Hall and Oates inspires finally using a full court press to speed the game up.  But alas, it wasn’t enough.

So here I sit, on my couch with my computer.  $170 worth of St. Louis regional finals tickets on the table, Bellwether and his parents in a car somewhere between KC and Columbia, and no Jayhawks to watch.  Oh well, at least we’ll have beer.

Now, that is all I am going to say about KU until next fall.  I have gone through all the stages of grief finally settling somewhere between “Depression” and “Acceptance”, and that is where I am going to stay until the tournament is actually over.  Then and only then will I move permanently into “Depression” just in time for Royals baseball.

No, I want to talk about something else.  My most hated “Facebook Friend”. 

Louis.

I will withhold the last name, not because I think he will read this, but because the KCSP legal department has advised me to do so.*

*The KCSP legal department is located just down the hall from my office here at headquarters, and consists entirely of D-Lee watching old episodes of Ally McBeal

Louis is the worst sports fan…ever.

There, I said it.  This is the guy who for some reason is the biggest fan of the most hated teams in the world for absolutely NO REASON.  Louis was born and raised in Iowa.  He still lives there.  He will never leave there.  And here are his teams…

Yankees

Lakers

Kentucky Basketball

USC Football

And a recent addition this past season was the Saints.

How do you justify being that big of an asshole???  Look, I am not saying that you cannot like whoever you want to like…wait…yes I am!  You have to have legitimate reasons for liking your teams.  Here are the legitimate reasons in order: 

  1. It’s where you were born – I was born in KC, therefore I have a right (and an obligation, quite frankly) to root for the Royals, Chiefs, and Jayhawks.
  2. You lived in the town at some point, but didn’t already have an allegiance to a team in that particular sport – If and when I ever take the time to give a shit about the NBA, I root for the Indiana Pacers.  I lived in Indianapolis, and did not have a basketball team from KC.  Therefore I am allowed to grab the Pacers.  (God all my teams suck).
  3. You went to the college – Here is where you get some gray areas.  I didn’t go to KU, but I am covered on them in rule #1.  I do root for Drake, but in the event that KU and Drake ever meet for a national title, I will stick with KU because they were there first.  I will also stab my testicles with sharp objects.
  4. You swap allegiances because you now own season tickets – I lived in Detroit for a while.  The Red Wings became my hockey team because it was the first time I lived in a town with a hockey team per rule #2.  However, when I moved to Minnesota, and the NHL announced an expansion team for St. Paul, we bought (and still own) season tickets to the Wild.  Therefore I can claim the Wild as my team, and renounce the Wings.  However, you must renounce your former team completely.  None of this “Well, I like the Wild.  But they aren’t very good, so I will root for the Wings in the playoffs”.  It’s all or nothing.
  5. You have a religious affiliation (The Notre Dame Rule) – If you are Catholic, have ever been Catholic, or have a Catholic grandfather, you can like Notre Dame.

That’s it.  Those are the rules.  So I don’t want to see status updates from Louis saying, “Kentcuky showing why it’s the shiznit.  Go Cats”.  That is an actual post from Louis last night.  I don’t want to hear it from any of you unless you can apply the above rules first. 

Don’t be a Louis. 

Who says shiznit, by the way???  That’s more dated than Hall and Oates.

Therapy Thru Blogging

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Posted by Lachky on 03/20/2010 – 8:30pm
Filed under: Local College  

I have a history with the University of Northern Iowa.  First off, I live in Iowa, but running into Panther fans is not a regular occurrence.  This state is plastered with Tigerhawks, and occasionally, you’ll get a Cyclone here and there, but the only time you ever come a cross a Panther is when someone is either mentioning Kurt Warner, or…well, that’s it.  Today I went to the bar where I witnessed Kansas’ triumph over North Carolina in the Final Four two years ago…needless to say, the “UNI” fans came out of the woodwork…

I know a few UNI grads.  A couple of my buddies played on the UNI baseball team.  I have a friend who went there for a year before transferring to the school that I went to, a charming private school nestled in the ghetto of Des Moines, IA called Drake University.  The arena there is called the Knapp Center.  This is where I have had most of my contact with the Panthers.  In 2007, I was there when, after beating Iowa and Iowa State earlier in the year, Drake won bragging rights for the state by beating UNI, and the students rushed the court.

In 2009, Drake was coming off an improbable Missouri Valley Conference regular season and tournament Championship.  My UNI buddies and I decided to take in the matchup between our alma maters in Des Moines.  Drake had lost several cogs from their 2008 run: their best sharpshooter in Klayton Korver, their head coach Keno Davis, and the MVC Player of the Year Adam Emmenecker.  UNI smoked them by 35.

I didn’t really mind that much.  I have been rooting for KU since I was a kid.  Drake, I didn’t really know until I went there, and they had always sucked.  Always.  So, losing to UNI was no big surprise.  But there is one thing that pissed me off.  There was this middle-aged Panther fan sitting about five rows behind us who knew everybody — EVERYBODY — on the UNI team, and would SHOUT about EVERYTHING going on in the game…even after they were up by freaking forty.  But the one player I remember him busting a nut over the most was freaking Ali Farokmanseh.  He was a sophomore at the time, and everytime that fucker hit a three (he hit about a dozen that game), #1 UNI fan would shout, “THREEEEE ALIIIIIII!!!!!!!”  What a fucking toolbox.  My buddy Scottie leaned to me during the game and said, “(I bet that guy beats his wife).”  I can only hope she returned the favor by shooting him in the fucking face with a sawed-off shotgun.

Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Any KU fan could see this coming from a mile away.  We did it to ourselves as a #1 seed in 1992 and 1998.  We lost in the first round two years-in-a-row.  I knew exactly how a loss to UNI would play out.  We would miss a few early easy buckets.  UNI would hit over 50% in the first half.  Sherron Collins would be shaky.  UNI’s D would force turnovers.  The worst-case scenario played itself out exactly like we have seen before.

I still to this day question how a team like Kansas can come out as flat as they do in games like these.  Sure, they can get themselves up to beat K-State decisively three times this season, but can always underestimate an opponent like UNI.  Why??  How can you underestimate them??  They are the MVC regular season and tournament champions.  If we had played with the same intensity that we did in the last ten minutes the entire game, we would have strolled by 20…easily.

And to Bill Self, why has full court pressure been so underutilized this season??  We certainly had the bodies to do it.  *sigh*  I’m nitpicking here.  When KU pulled within three in the waning seconds of the game, a UNI fan sitting behind be said, “Kansas doesn’t deserve to win this game.”  I turned to him, he knowing that I was rooting for KU, and said, “You know what??  You’re right.”  You might live by the William Munny parlance that “Deserve’s got nuthin’ to do with it.”  Well it does and it doesn’t.  You can’t play like an asshole for 35 minutes and expect to pull it out.

So, this is the reason why I don’t’ go gambling: Me, Logg and HP now have $600 worth of tickets to the Midwest Regional Final in St. Louis that we bought last May…and no team to root for.

My buddy Gio texted me after the game:

“This upset is like Heidi Montag stealing a part from Meryl Streep to portray an english aristocrat…Literally.”

I don’t know about that.  UNI is a good team…and they deserved to win.

Congratulations.

And Fuck Your Mother.

Logg’s Going Live

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 03/19/2010 – 11:10am
Filed under: Feature, Local College  

Since I have the day off, I figured what the hell.  Check in if you’re at work, watching the games, have nothing better to do, etc.

Boo ya!

Calm The F Down

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 03/15/2010 – 11:44am
Filed under: Local College  

Well, that didn’t take long.  The KU alarmists are out in force. 

“Just look at the Midwest!  KU got screwed!!!

“How are we the number one overall seed, and get stuck with that bracket”

Or, if you like Whitlock’s take…

“The NCAA is a giant conspiracy that loves Duke.”

Are you serious Jason??  Did you even let your editors read what you wrote this morning???  They can’t have.  There is no way that they would have allowed you to write a piece of shit like that, which essentially accuses the NCAA of intentionally moving Duke to an “easy” bracket because they are “ratings gold”.  You honestly believe that???  Please note: Whitlock also believes that the NCAA kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, faked 9-11, and killed JFK.

Here is an estimation of the S-Curve from the NCAA.

Add the rankings of the top 4 seeds in each bracket.  Here is what you get:

West – 44

South – 39

East – 35

Midwest – 35

So what would you do to balance it out?  Switch Maryland with Vanderbilt?  You’re splitting hairs there.

Look, I understand the initial knee-jerk reaction.  The Jayhawks will play in a Midwest region with the likes of Ohio State (2), Georgetown (3), Maryland (4), Michigan State (5), and Tennessee (6).    Throw in a little Okie Light and some Northern Iowa, and yeah, you have a tough road to the final four.

But it’s supposed to be tough.  It for a national championship!

At first glance I can see where people are getting their sense of trepidation from.  But are we really afraid of these teams?  I think not.  We are afraid of the names.

Let’s look at a few things…

Assuming a first round win*, the likely next opponent is Northern Iowa.  Northern Iowa won the MVC, which while I appreciate the feat, is not exactly a power conference.  They lost to DePaul on a neutral court.  My dog can beat DePaul on a neutral court.

*I honestly believe I know people that would take their own life if KU lost that game to Lehigh.  I may or may not be one of them.

Then we likely have Maryland (who was ousted in their first game of the ACC tournament) or Michigan State (who lost to Minnesota, and suspended a starter).  What is so scary about those actual teams? 

And then here is the part that I think people are overlooking.  Of Ohio State, Oklahoma State, Tennessee, Georgia Tech, and Georgetown; KU only has to play one of them!  That’s right; they’re in the same bracket, but they (and there’s no way of getting around it) have to play each other first! 

Yes, they’re good teams, but what did you want?  That game is for a trip to the Final Four.  You’ll be down to only eight teams in the whole thing.  They are all going to be good. 

Still think I am wrong?  Prove it.  Sign up, and take KU down in the sweet 16.  I dare you.

So while I agree that this isn’t going to be a cake-walk for KU, I also don’t think it’s an impossible climb.  That is, unless the president of Lehigh decides to change the name of the school to “Blehigh”.

Then I would be worried.

***Still panicked?  Think I missed something? Let me know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com***

Listen To Me; I Am An Expert

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 03/09/2010 – 4:06pm
Filed under: Feature, Local College  

It’s baaaaack.  Yup, March Madness is fully upon us.  The Tim Horton’s Brier Curling Cup competition started Saturday. 

Did you see Manitoba just flatten Prince Edward Island?  Oh, you didn’t?  Me neither.  I was too busy immersing myself completely in college basketball hysteria.  Here is how excited I am; pretend this guy is me, and the fire is college basketball.  Get the idea?

As a KU fan, tomorrow begins my second favorite part of the season.  The Big XII tournament.  I figured that since I am the official KCSportsPodcast college basketball guru, you all would appreciate my opinion on what’s going to happen over the next four days in Kansas City.

Plus, do you really want to read anymore about the Royals?  I thought so.

So here we go with my predictions on how everyone will do starting with the worst teams, and going to the winner.

The “If they are getting rid of gift baskets, then why are we going?” Group.

Oklahoma 13-17 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can’t.  This season has been a disaster for Boomer.  This team’s fans are just waiting for football season.  That’s it.

Why they will lose:  I don’t know.  Because they aren’t very good at basketball.

Where will they finish: Lose in the first round to Oklahoma State by 20.

Nebraska 14-17 (2-14):

Why they can win: They also cannot.  The only thing they might win is the “Guy with the longest name” award.

Why they will lose: Because that same guy just looks too much like Scott Baio. 

Where they will finish: Lose in the first round to Missouri by 10.

The “Let’s piss someone’s fans off and win a game we shouldn’t” Group

Iowa State 15-16 (4-12):

Why they can win: Ask Kansas State.  They are athletic.  Craig Brackens would be all Big XII if he was surrounded with anything, and Gilstrap can play.  Plus, you gotta’ believe that they are coming in with quite a bit of confidence.

Why they will lose: Along with confidence, a game like that also gives you a lot of mental and physical fatigue

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Texas Tech 16-14 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can tie.  Check this stat out.  Texas tech scores on average 76.4 points per game.  They give up 76.4 points per game.  My guess is that they find a way to tie it.   Then they just need one point in OT to win.

Why they will lose: This team was 12-2 coming into conference play, and 4-12 since then.  They kind of a collapse doesn’t happen for no reason.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

The “How the hell were we ever ranked #1” Group

Texas 23-8 (9-7):

Why they can win: The talent is there.  People didn’t just guess that this team was good, and rank them #1.  If they can play to their potential, they can win the whole tournament.

Why the will lose: Because they won’t play to their potential.  Plus, I hate Texass. (misspelled on purpose)

Where they will finish:  Well, if you have been following along with your brackets you will notice that I think they will lose in the opening round to Iowa State by 8.

The “You should win the first game, but I would never wager on you” Group

Colorado 15-15 (6-10):

Why they can win: They just beat the Red Raiders by 11 last weekend.  Plus, Alec Burks gets to come and play in his hometown.

Why they will lose: The Buffs are on a three game winning streak.  They haven’t had a four game streak this entire season.

Where they will finish: Lose to Texas Tech in the opening round by 6

The “Teams that are complete wild cards” Group

Oklahoma State 21-9 (9-7):

Why they can win: Two words; James Anderson.  He is the only guy in the tournament with the ability to pick his team up onto his back and carry them to a title.

Why they will lose: Three words; No One Else.  That’s the problem.  If Anderson is off, who is going to pick up the slack?  It is saying something when you have the Big XII player of the year, and yet you barley finished above .500 in the league. 

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals.

The “What do you mean we have a first round bye” Group

Texas A&M 22-8 (11-5):

Why they can win: I personally believe that Turgeon should have been coach of the year.  You look at this team, and you don’t see anything real special.  But they somehow get it done.  They get good guard play from Sloan, and have a solid big man in Bryan Davis.

Why they will lose: This team has not had this kind of success in a while.  They have only had a first round bye three times ever.  Average seeding…8.3.  Too much pressure on the poor Aggies.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Baylor 24-6 (11-5):

Why they can win: LaceDarius Dunn is a star.  As is LaceQuincy Acy and LaceEkpe Udoh.  This team can be LaceScary.

Why they will lose: Again, I think it comes back to experience at this point.  The highest seed Baylor has ever had was a 5, and that’s only happened twice.  Look, just be happy that Tweety Carter hasn’t killed anyone.  What??  Too soon?

Where they will finish: Semi-Finals

The “Dear God, please let this happen” Group

Missouri 22-9 (10-6)

Why they can win: They do have some experience in this tournament being that they won it last season.  The style of play is pretty good for tournament play, as it wears down the opponents.  Plus, there is no way that God would deprive me of yet a third KU beat-down of the Misery.

Why they will lose: All that being said, if the tiggers attempt to build an addition onto the Sprint Center with bricks, they could be back in CoMo before dinner on Wednesday.

Where they will finish: Semi-finals, and it’s gonna’ be the biggest defeat yet.

The “We all knew it would come down to this” Group

Kansas 29-2 (15-1)

Why they can win: because they are the best goddamn team in the whole goddamn country.  You know that.

Why they will lose: KU doesn’t have a lot going for them in this game.  They will have wrapped up the number one overall seed and a trip to St. Louis.  They don’t have anything to prove.

Where they will finish: Let the kitties finally win one, for crying out loud.

Kansas State 24-6 (11-5)

Why they can lose: See what I did there???  Anyway, K-State has some flaws.  We saw that last weekend.  I have some advice for the Cats.  Don’t name your arena if you plan on losing there pretty consistently.  I am having a real tough time backing you up right now.

Why they will win: This is the mf-ing superbowl for State.  It’s in KC, It’s against KU, and everyone is talking about the Cats falling apart against ISU.  Notice how the discussion went from “should K-State get a one seed” to “K-State will be lucky to get a three seed” just like that.  The cats are listening, and Frank Martin is getting angry.  Bellwether just peed a little when he read that.

Where they will finish: Big XII Tournament Champions*

You see what I did there Mizzou fans?  Yeah, you know.

Of course, what the hell do I know?  Scott Baio could get hot, and take the whole thing…

***What are your predictions?  Let us know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com***

KU’s loss: Blame Palin

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 03/01/2010 – 12:48pm
Filed under: Local College  

As most of you know, KU fell to the Cowboys on Saturday in a game that was not nearly as close as the score would make it seem.  But I don’t blame the players.  It was out of their hands.

I am not going to talk about KU’s atrocious defense in Stillwater. Nor am I going to talk about KU’s turnovers.   And I am not going to talk about OSU shooting 97% (or whatever it was) from the field. No, the blame for this latest KU loss* falls squarely on one person.

*I say that like there have been so many.

Sarah Palin.

You’re going to have to hang with me on this one. Okay, so everyone knows that many of our government programs stink. I actually watched about 6 hours of the “Health Care Summit” last week. Unfortunately, there was no curling on that day. What I figured out from that informative collection of ideas complete waste of time and money, is that the two parties in Washington cannot even agree what time lunch should be, should they eat in or go out, and what they would like on their pizzas, much less what they can do to fix health care.

I don’t necessarily blame that on them. They are just sticking up for their parties’ platforms. No, the real blame for that is on Barack Obama. He is the president for crying out loud. He has to be the voice of reason that pulls everyone together and says, “Hey McConnell, come on man. And Pelosi, calm down.” He has to bring the sides to the table and get something done. He has failed to do that.

Now, on top of health care, another thing that is completely broken is the education system. How is it that the high school I attended in Minnesota has enough money to build a heated dome for the football team to practice in, yet some schools hardly have enough money to turn the heat on in the classroom? The level of disparity between the haves and have-nots is wider than the space Jon Shuster had to shoot at on four or five potential game winning shots combined.

Something must be done about this. I blame Barry on this one too. For all of his blabbering on about health care reform that, basically, no one wants, he has failed to address the education system at all. Except of course to say that it is all George Bush’s fault.

That brings me to the Kingston High School Lady Cougars. Kingston is a very poor school district located in Cadet, MO. Look, here’s where it is. It’s like Deliverance out there. When there are more burnt out 1968 Chevy trucks than people, you know it’s not exactly palm springs. Shit, I think I got a meth contact high just driving through there.

Anyway, this school district is so poor that they don’t even have money to outfit their sports teams. Do you hear me? They can’t allocate money to the very things that statistically have shown to keep kids in school and off of drugs. My future sister in law coaches the softball team. They needed to raise money in order to get bats for the team. Bats for a softball team? What a novel idea! So she asked me if I would put on a charity trivia night for them on Saturday. Of course I will do that. How do you say no to that?

Now, because I was having to help out the Lady Cougars in Cadet, MO, I was not watching the KU-OSU game on Saturday afternoon. More importantly, I was not able to sit in my lucky spot on the couch, and position my remote in the exact position that it needs to be in. Nor was I able to go with HP to our lucky bar where we have only seen one KU loss EVER (Michigan State last year in the sweet 16).   When these factors were negated, of course KU lost. KU is undefeated when I am able to affect the outcome of their games in these ways. The only other time I was not able to do this…at Tennessee.

So you can see how important my position for watching games is for KU basketball success. In summation, I absolutely do not fault myself in this case. I do not fault my future sister in law or her team. I don’t fault the Kingston K-14 school district, and I do not fault the congress. I fault Barack Obama for KU now needing to beat both KSU and Mizzou to win the outright Big XII title.

“B-b-b-b-but, Logg. I thought you said it was Sarah Palin’s fault.”

Oh right. Well, if Sarah Palin had never existed, Barack would have never won the election.

Thanks a lot Sarah.

*Like it?  Don’t?  Indifferent?  Let us know.  E-mail us at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com

A Whole Lotta’ Nuthin’

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/26/2010 – 12:18pm
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College, Non-Sports  

Let me explain something about sports writing.  When you are a beat writer for a specific team, you can usually find something to write about because, well, you only have one subject.  We here at kcsportspodcast.com don’t have that luxury.  We write about so much crap (and I emphasize the word crap) that we sometimes can’t decide what to write about.  I have been thinking aboot (in honor of the Canadian Olympics) my next column for days now, and I just couldn’t narrow it down. 

So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether.  I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list.  Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing.  I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”. 

Thanks BWJ.

So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics.  This is the crap that we came up with. 

LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning?  I am a little scared for you.  I can see the Intervention episode now:

            HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to.  Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light.  But now, it’s different.  Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways.  What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds.  On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently.  I want my little brother back.  Please accept this help today.”

             BWJ: “Fuck you.”

Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver?  If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller.  Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?

BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.

Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*

* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia.  I had a Swedish friend in college.  I mean, from Sweden.  I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century.  No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede.  I know…original.

Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics.  In 2002 they lost to Belarus.  Ouch.  The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.” 

Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats.  Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.

I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude.  Hell, everybody else is doing it…

[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling

LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”.  Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They stunk.  But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”.  Dear God, I made a curling joke.  Moving on…

I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history.  If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.

As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over.  Finland is very good.  As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them.  Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run.  It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.

Just like Boner. *

[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death.  The world has lost one of the great ones.  Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.

First, I loved Growing Pains.  I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”.  Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s???? 

Second, where is Boner?  This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again. 

Bellwether, have you seen Boner?

BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is.  I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver.  (ZING!!)

You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am.  All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:

“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”

“The Swiss are great in goal”

“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”

And you know what??  As advertised.  Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall.  What do you want??  They won the game.  It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.

Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…

Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!!  Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)

…Helsinki.  The capital is Helsinki.

Please tell me what to fear about the Finns.  You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.

LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke.  My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.

My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals.  Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal.  All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).

Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games).  The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down.  You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.

*Case in point…the Soviets

As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament.  They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu. 

All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.

The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English.  Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event?  I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr.  Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?

BWJ: All right!!  And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!!  I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!!  Oops!!  I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!

Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is.  I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.

For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.

It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task.  Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer.  These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth.  To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.

Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…

See what you done did there Logg??  Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals.  Damn you…

LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals.  I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs).  You decided to take it there. 

But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer.  I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter.  I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage.  I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is. 

Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now.  Yippee.

No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run.  They point to their semi-successful run as of late.  Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams.  The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home.  The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska. 

Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend.  Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country.  Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one.  So you may be wondering, what is the deal?   Well, I found out what the deal was.

The Power Towel.  Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?

BWJ:  Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats.  I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother.  Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right??  Ad Astra Per Aspera??

As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country??  They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country.  They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams.  Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.

They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day.  That game is gonna be a bloodbath…

LWK:  Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent.  They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all.  However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that.  They also scare the hell out of me, though.  Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means.  I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.

So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen?  Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?

BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already??  Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract.  For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust.  Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.

Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up.  That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for.  Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.

Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.”  It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.

You’re on notice, Logg…

LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing.  I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website.  If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics. 

Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.  Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson.  Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”.   That means “Seize the Alcohol”.  At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.

Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.

Andrew Koenig 

Richard “Boner” Stabone

1968-2010

Hell Freezes Over

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/11/2010 – 3:55pm
Filed under: Local College  

So I am sitting here perusing one of the Mizzou message boards because, well, I have nothing better to do.  As a journalist (term used very loosely) who covers Big XII basketball, I wanted to know what the feelings were about Mizzou’s narrow victory at home last night over lowly Iowa State.  I am getting the usual; for some the sky is falling.  For others, this was just a mild hiccup.  But then I stumbled across this discussion thread:

“If you were to write a book on sports psychology and the KU fan, what would your title be?”

Interesting.  Being that this is a Missouri board, one can conclude that the responses won’t exactly be a glowing review of people like me, but I thought it would at least be mildly amusing.  Some responses…

“The Cheating Culture”

“The Jayhawk, Christianity, and Homosexuality”

“Balls, Chicken, Choke, KU”

But then there was this one: “Profiles in Entitlement”

This caught my eye because I had noticed this “entitlement” theory in other posts over the last few weeks.  I find MU fans to be quite arrogant (for what reason, I have no idea.  Write in to lwood@kcsportspodcast.com and explain it to me), and I had been very interested in why they despise KU fans.  I always thought it was jealousy because they had never even been to a Final Four.  But I now know that it’s because Mizzou fans believe that KU fans have a false sense of entitlement. 

First of all, KU basketball fans certainly have some reasons to be proud.  KU is one of the most prestigious programs in the entire country, has been to 13 Final Fours, and won five national championships including one just two years ago.  The sense of pride that a Jayhawk fan feels for their team is earned and appropriate.  So they can’t be talking about that.

Maybe they are talking about our expectation level.  Every year, KU fans expect our team to compete for not only the Big XII, but a national title.  We expect to get great coaching, fantastic recruits, and wins.  What is wrong with that???  Surely Mizzou fans have some sort of expectation for their team.  They may not be (and should not be) as lofty as KU’s, but I am sure they expect something, and feel disappointed when it is not achieved.  So it would be unfair for them to come down on us for the same thing, right?

Someone else once mentioned to me the idea of KU fans needing validation from Mizzou fans; that we have a “look at me, look at me” attitude.  There may be some truth to that.  It is certainly nice to hear from a rival that you are good, or in this case, better than them.  I don’t think we seek that out, though.  I mean, if I want to hear about how great KU is, I can certainly just turn on ESPN.  God knows that, even with their decidedly east coast bias, just about everyone on there thinks KU is awesome.  I sure as hell wouldn’t go looking for validation on a Missouri fan website.  That’s like Tiger Woods hoping for sympathy from Steve Phillips.  So that really can’t be it either.  Dammit.  What to do?

So I asked the person what they meant by this.  His impressive response???

“Exactly.”

So, since Mizzou fans won’t clue me in on this, I figured I’d do some research.  I looked up “entitlement” in the dictionary.

Entitlement – noun, the state of being entitled.

Okay, so that’s as helpful as a Mizzou fan.  Let’s try again.

Entitle – verb, to give a person or thing a title, right, or claim to something

In one respect, they may be saying that we feel like we are owed something.  I couldn’t disagree more.  KU fans are not guaranteed wins by anyone.  KU provides them through superior talent and coaching.  So that doesn’t make sense.  But wait a second…

Entitle – verb, to call something by a particular title

You mean like National Champions?  Okay Mizzou fans, I agree with you.*

*I will now torch my clothes and take a three hour shower.